User Profile

Transition being made, please bear with us.

Who am I? If you're unsure, there's an entire website linked into this journal that should do journeyman service to answer that question. The simple answer is that I'm an odd blend of self-confessed geek, an archetypical warrior, and a lover par excellence. I've been described in turns as a spectacular human being, a pivotal man, one of the coolest-looking people that's ever put on a pair of sunglasses, and as Bill. (Yes, that Bill.) Unfortunately for all of us, you only get the portions of that which translate well into raw text and the occasional diatribe, which means that if you think you know me well from right here... well, you're missing some crucial parts of the equation. But it's as good a place to start as any.

This journal may well contain content that some will find offensive. If you do, I apologize that you were offended, but I make no apologies for the potential, nor do I attempt to hide it. For the most part, I favor honesty over softening the blow, and as a result I am not at all afraid to be honest and blunt when the occasion calls for it. This journal is not and will never be friends-only, and anyone can see and comment on the whole thing however they see fit; I do, however, reserve the right to screen and delete comments as I see fit. If you want to avoid being offended by anything, live in a tin can and save the rest of us the trouble of censoring for you.

Disclaimer: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Eliot. Eliot may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds, begin cursing like a sailor with Tourette's Syndrome, or exhume an inordinate amount of angst. Eliot contains a liquid core which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Eliot's exterior is also best not touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Eliot on concrete, grass, astroturf, dirt, gravel, wood, or shag carpeting. Discontinue use of Eliot if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, irrational arousal, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, a desire for raw beef, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If Eliot begins to smoke from the eyes, nose, or genital region, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Eliot may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Eliot should be returned to his special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Eliot, Tammis Fulton & Peter Lefebvre, and their parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Eliot include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Do not taunt Eliot. Do not feed Eliot. Do not encourage Eliot. Do not attempt to pry Eliot loose from objects with a metal or plastic tool. Eliot comes with a lifetime guarantee; unfortunately, this guarantee is for a Kenmore washing machine and should in no way be construed as any assurance of manufacturing quality, nor can it be exchanged for emergency service.

All views expressed herein are those of Eliot Lefebvre himself, rather than those of System Operating Services, Global Chemical United, the United States of America, UCONN, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, ECU Weapon Research Corps "Durandal," MAD Magazine, the guy in the yellow house down the street, or any other organization you care to name. He is quite thoroughly insane, and none of them want him or intend to take the responsibility for this train wreck.

No facts were checked, researched, or in any way given validity in the making of this journal. Many of the facts contained herein cannot be taken for gospel, and, in fact, are blatant lies. However, we are not under any government law that requires the telling of the truth, because if that were the case, the government would be out of a job. Statements may not be considered as an RSDA-approved source of veracity, nor may they be quoted in or out of context in a court of law. All facts referenced should be considered false until proven true, at which point they should still be considered false.

Eliot Lefebvre and his puppet corporation, Electronic Transcendence Productions, cannot be held responsible for accidental pregnancy, intentional pregnancy, rightful death, rightful life, large breasts, small breasts, weight gain, weight loss, nausea, rabid antelope, penis envy, rake envy, indifference, codependency, interdependency, substance dependency, Depends dependency, impotence, potence, omnipotence, unrealized potential, slight discomfort, inexplicable fires, extreme sunlight, extreme sports, hyphenation, punctuation, communication, masturbation, repetition, repetition, repetition, poor eyesight, poor hearing, low talking, repetition, arrogance, or anything else that might involve somehow having to fix a problem. We can, however, be held accountable for the relative dryness of a turkey sandwich. Send us the sandwich, 1 cent in processing fees, and 1,000,000 cents for shipping and handling charges.

No animals were killed in the making of this journal. We did, however, kick two squirrels and possibly caused irreprable psychological damage to a labrador retriever by calling it fat. All profits from the organization are donated to PETA, largely because it has been in existence for four years and has never once marked a profit, so we just send the organization the server bills and tell them that if they don't like it, they should eat a hamburger. Please do not ask the management if any hobos were killed in the making of this journal, as the Fifth Amendment clearly allows us to avoid answering that question. It also allows us to avoid saying where we've been for the past seven Saturdays, why the hall closet smells like fish, why we have that stupid grin on our face, or why you woke up yesterday drenched in blood and maple syrup.

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